Transcript
Society for Maintaining Integrity on The Earth
Inaugural Meeting
Opening Remarks and Keynote Address

Good morning. I’m Michael, the Chair of the Ethics Department at the Society for Maintaining Integrity on The Earth and I’d like to welcome you to this inaugural meeting. It’s good to see all of you who accepted our invitation, and I’m looking forward to meeting with all of you individually. These are exciting times for all of us as we embark on this new project.

I’d also like to introduce Peter, our database administrator and technical wizard. Say hello, Peter. (Peter smiles, waves, and mumbles a greeting.) Peter will be leading the afternoon computer training workshop. He will also introduce the new phone app for Android and iPhone. This allows much faster access to information you’ll need to assess any situation. We haven’t yet activated the function because we still want you allow time for deep contemplation before acting.

A few housekeeping items before we get started. Lunch will be from 11:30 am until 1:00 pm in the Grand Ballroom. Be sure to bring the tickets that are behind your name badges. A bus for your spouses’ slash significant others’ activities will leave from the main entrance at 1:15pm and return in time for dinner.

Joseph Stalin famously said, “Everyone has the right to be stupid, but some people abuse the privilege.” I’ve been active since the first Homo sapiens appeared, weeding out those whose excessive stupidity threatened humanity’s survival and progress. Sometimes it was so rampant that I’m amazed you’ve accomplished anything in the past ten thousand years.

My job was much simpler in prehistoric times. There were fewer people and natural selection – what you call Darwinism – was very efficient. If you were persistently stupid, some ferocious beast decided you might make a nice snack (with a little subliminal suggestion from yours truly). Irritating the rest of the tribe might get you thrown into a volcano, justified by the flimsy excuse of “appeasing the gods.”

Now and then Administration had to periodically step in and thin the herd. Destroying almost everyone and everything with The Great Flood was regrettable, but that instilled the fear of The Almighty in the survivors, at least for a few centuries.

Later I experimented in Ancient Egypt, using the more articulate among the masses – Moses, David and others – to provide blatant warnings. The Pharaoh got nine warnings before the smiting began. I think DeMille’s casting of Yul Brynner was genius and I must admit a certain fondness for that stunt with the Red Sea.

A millennium and a half later, Administration had a great idea. Why not send Himself to live among the people? You recall how well THAT worked out. After the Resurrection the stupid in power – it’s amazing how the latter attracts the former – treated the disciples rather badly. Even a well-written manual wasn’t good enough for some – yes, I realize men don’t like to follow instructions – but then using it to inflict unspeakable pain has been humanity’s most despicable perversion.

Earthquakes, fires, the Black Death – all managed to keep the great unwashed under some control. That is, until things improved over the next couple of centuries and people began throwing caution to the wind. We found ourselves back at square one. The Renaissance was but a brief respite from idiocy. Humanity been remarkably resistant to guidance and reason.

By the twentieth century I had to become less subtle in my messages. That guy on the street, the one dressed in rags who held the sign that said, “The End is Near?” He wasn’t crazy; he was a walking Public Service Announcement. Targeted individuals who noticed but ignored the obvious hint later met with an unfortunate “accident.”

But the burgeoning population made it difficult for me to keep up with the workload. Social media has brought out the worst in people and you can thank those media czars for record levels of stupidity. Administration decided I needed some help, and that is where you come in.

You’ve all been selected for various reasons, for the Lord works in mysterious ways. Some of the people close to you probably wondered, “Why him (or her) and not me? I could do a damn good job of smiting!”  We appreciated their enthusiasm but there’s more to it than just summarily dispatching everyone who irritates the crap out of you. One of this morning’s sessions will cover the guidelines for choosing those most deserving. Our next session will discuss why you were chosen.

Thank you for attending and I hope you all find these talks illuminating.