Category Archives: Reflections

The Prostate Saga, Part 2

It’s a good thing Dr. Fine’s reputation preceded him, or I might not have stayed long enough to meet him. But first, a segue into the genesis of my ire.

When Corporate America took over health care administration, it decided physicians had wasted too much time taking care of patients instead of generating revenue. Large health care organizations began buying up individual physician practices and, in some cases, taking over hospitals. Younger physicians loved this idea: they got a salary, paid vacation and none of the administrative hassles of running a private practice. (I plead guilty, as I joined an HMO for those reasons. I was a poor businessman and I admitted it. The problem was, in many cases, I knew more about business principles than the people signing my paychecks.)

Older physicians balked at being controlled and some of them resisted as long as they could. If you didn’t play ball, The Corporation would find ways to shut you out. If you didn’t contract with the predominant insurers, you became “out of network” and a lot more costly to patients. Other older physicians saw the handwriting on the wall and retired early, the lucky bastards, to stay at home, engage in hobbies, travel or annoy the wife full-time.

We traded autonomy for financial security and ended up with neither.

The Corporation now controlled everything, including your ass, so it could dictate how you did your job. One physician I knew 25 years ago, a hospital employee, said, “I have guys in three-piece suits telling me what to do. And I do it.” Thus, the standard 10-minute appointment was created. No matter how complex the patient, physicians were expected interview, examine, diagnose and treat a patient in the allotted time before moving onto the next one. Or should I say “mooving on”, since patients were now herded through like cattle. (I often threatened to play the Rawhide theme in the hallway during my HMO days. “Head ‘em up! Move ‘em out!”)

If you were a specialist, you got 20 or 30 minutes for consults, even if the patient had cancer. No “wasting time,” like my gyn oncology professor during residency, who spent an hour discussing ovarian, uterine or cervical cancer with women who were still in shock from the diagnosis.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled blog post.

Dr. Fine’s office booked a 30-minute visit at 2:50 p.m. Peg and I arrived about 15 minutes early; she was still in a wheelchair after having foot surgery.  I checked in, sat down and waited. And waited. And waited.

About 40 minutes later a nurse, nursing assistant or whatever, appeared in the door to the inner sanctum and bellowed, “David.”  I got up and wheeled Peg through the open door.

Halfway down the hall, the nurse said, “David, what is your date of birth.”

I told her and she said, “Oh, wrong David.” So, I wheeled Peg back to the waiting room while the correct David was whisked away.

Twenty minutes later she reappeared. “David.” Once again, I wheeled Peg down the hallway, but not as far this time before she realized my date of birth didn’t match what was on her tablet. And, once again, I wheeled a now pissed-off Peg back to the waiting room.

Different women appeared at the magic door, calling names as if they worked in a cheap restaurant, and patients disappeared.

It was now 4:15 pm. I’m normally a quiet, patient type (you shaddap and stop laughing!), but even my patience was wearing thin. The first woman we saw opened the door and called, “David.”
“Which one?”
“Last name Rivera?”
“Yeah, that’s me.”

We were herded into a pen patient room and a few minutes later a very sweet assistant came in to verify my information on the computer terminal (paper charts have all but disappeared). She apologized for the wait and said Dr. Fine would see us soon, but he was running behind.

Peg smiled but said, “We’ve been waiting a long time. Dr. Fine better be a rock star!”

The SYT swallowed and assured us Dr. Fine was indeed was, figuratively speaking, on par with Jimmy Page.

We could hear snippets of Dr. Fine’s conversation with another patient. Another 15 minutes elapsed, then yet another nurse/assistant came in with two books. I don’t recall the titles, but they could be titled, “You and Your Prostate,” and “What You Need to Know about Prostate Cancer.”

“The doctor will be in shortly to discuss your diagnosis.”

Now I was pissed! “I’m a physician! I KNOW my diagnosis; Dr. Ky and I have talked about it and I’m here to talk about getting a surgery date scheduled!” I thought If you’d looked at the record before barging in here, you’d know what’s happened and why I’m here.”

Finally, Dr. Fine entered the room and I understood why he was running late. He greeted us and apologized for running late. “Discussing a new diagnosis of cancer with a patient takes some time and I don’t want them to feel rushed.”

Ok, you earned your rock star status.

He talked at length about Gleason scoring in general. A Gleason score of 6 suggests one’s cancer is likely to grow slowly while a score of 8 and above is likely to be more aggressive and spread quickly. My score of 7 (4+3) put me at intermediate risk and was more concerning than a score of 3+4.  Then he talked about Tumor, Node and Metastasis (TNM) staging and how that relates to overall survival; my cancer stage was T-IIa, meaning no metastases or node involvement. (For more information, go to the Urology Care Foundation educational materials page and download the Localized Prostate Cancer guide.)

Notes from our discussion of prostate cancer and treatment options

We then discussed treatment approaches. I talked about the risks of radiation in my previous post, but the biggest drawback is it turns the prostate to mush. If the cancer recurs, taking out the prostate is next to impossible. Doing surgery first leaves radiation as an option for recurrence.

Surgery removes the prostate completely and, potentially, all of the cancer, but has its own set of risks. Immediate problems include recovering from surgery, including having a catheter in one’s bladder for a week. The surgeon has to cut the urethra (that tube from the bladder to the outside) to remove the prostate, and then sew it back together. One is likely experience some degree of urinary incontinence once the catheter comes out; they recommended getting a large supply of “adult incontinence underwear” along with pads that look like what women wear after delivering a baby.

Surgery removes the seminal vesicles and potentially some nerves along with the prostate, guaranteeing temporary or permanent erectile dysfunction. I would be taking a low dose of the “little blue pill” (sildenafil) every day to “promote blood flow” back into a limp penis. I’d have a checkup six weeks after surgery and then go to the Austin Powers Swedish Penis Enlarger clinic to learn how to use a $300 “medical grade” acrylic cylinder and vacuum pump. For some reason they discourage procuring the much cheaper products available at your friendly neighborhood adult toy store as it could “result in injury.” (Like Ralphie getting his tongue stuck to the frozen flagpole in “A Christmas Story?”)

We agreed to a surgery date right after Thanksgiving. He gave me a card for the Patient Navigator, someone who is supposed to “guide you through the process.” I talked with her once; she told me someone from the hospital “will call you with a surgery date within a couple of weeks. Then someone will call you a week before surgery with questions and instructions.” I used to impart that information to my patients at the end of our visit and didn’t need someone to do it for me.

I saw one of the Urology Department P.A.s (physician assistant) to teach me Kegel exercises, which help control the inevitable leaking bladder after surgery. Women learn Kegels when they are far younger, since they have only one urethral sphincter to men’s three.  I told her I’d been wearing protection for months to which she replied, “Welcome to our world.” The visit lasted only a few minutes. Peg had taught me abdominal core and Kegel exercises to do while driving to client’s houses. She did a better job and for free.

About a week later someone from the hospital’s scheduling department called me while I was driving to a client’s house. My surgery would be on December 2 at 7:30 a.m., a wretched time, as I’d have to be there about 2 hours earlier for preparation (which often takes about 30 minutes). 

“I’m wandering around the Chicago suburbs so now isn’t a great time to talk. How about you give me a call next Monday when I’m home?”

“Ok, that would be fine. In the meantime, I’ll send you preoperative instructions through our website and we can go over them next week.”

 She called and went over my medical history – current and past illnesses; the medications I took; allergies to medications – before going over the same instructions she’d sent the week before. I realize it may seem redundant, but there are people handicapped by a Y chromosome who don’t read or listen and need all the reinforcement they can get.

“Back in the good old days, I used to do all this myself.” 
She replied, “You probably weren’t that busy back then.”

Bullshit. I routinely saw 25-30 patients a day in the office and worked in women with acute problems. I did my own preop H&Ps (history and physical) and dictated it on the hospital’s transcription line. Years later, wrote my reports in MS Word and hand delivered them to avoid hearing, “We can’t find your H&P. Did you forget to dictate it?”

Preparing for surgery

Physicians go through “informed consent” with a patient before surgery or a significant treatment. Ideally, a physician explains what s/he proposes doing, what it is meant to accomplish, the risks and benefits of the procedure (including risk of death, if appropriate), and what might happen if the patient refuses. Then the physician gives the patient time to ask questions, have those questioned answered and, often at the end, sign a permit for said treatment or surgery.

This ritual is supposed to ensure the patient makes a well-informed, intelligent decision while also minimizing the risk of litigation in the event of an adverse occurrence or outcome. In reality, a pissed-off patient can always claim “I didn’t know what I was agreeing to” and some lawyer will take the case. So, many of us believe there is no such thing as truly “informed consent.”

My approach to informed consent for surgery went something like this:

“You need to be at the hospital two hours before your surgery time. They will get you ready for surgery (but it doesn’t take two hours, so you’ll spend a lot of time picking your butt). When everyone is ready, one of the nurses will take you to the operating room, put you on the table, hook up EKG leads and strap you down, so you don’t roll off. (Sometimes we will pick our butts waiting for anesthesia to stroll in.) I will be there before you go to sleep. This procedure is going to take about x hours. You’ll go to the recovery room for about an hour and then sent to your room (inpatient) or sent home (outpatient).

“All surgery comes with some risks: risk of bleeding, infection and injury to something inside. You also have a 1 in 60,000 risk of dying from anesthesia, but you are much more likely to die driving your car, especially in the winter when there are a lot of idiot drivers around.” (For the curious among you, the risk of death from a motor vehicle accident is 1 in 103. I can’t find the odds of dying from stupidity, but the Darwin Award people keep a nice tally.)

If I was tying a woman’s tubes (tubal ligation), I added this:

“You also need to understand nothing is perfect, including tubal ligations. About three out of every 1000 women getting their tubes tied get pregnant, sometimes many years later. A few of those pregnancies will end up in the uterus, but many get stuck in the tube, causing an ectopic pregnancy which can kill you  if not treated. So, if you ever think you are pregnant, you need to see a physician right away.” (I met a woman in Tennessee who had an ectopic pregnancy 13 years after her tubal ligation. She had been bleeding vaginally (and internally) for a few days, not realizing she was pregnant. I found 1300cc of blood in her abdomen.)

Now, that approach was too vague and informal for Ms. “Expectation Management” who thought researching every possible surgical complication was a fine idea, and then expected ME to grill my surgeon on how the team was prepared to avoid them.

I know a lot of the possible complications, which is why I hated gyn surgery! I’m more like Peg’s sister, Michele: Ignorance is bliss.

The day before surgery I had to drink only clear liquids and do a bowel prep. I drank a bottle of magnesium citrate, which is far easier to take than the gallon of NuLYTELY® I had for my colonoscopy prep. But, because a bowel prep can screw up one’s electrolytes, they told me to drink a 20oz bottle of Gatorade four hours before surgery. Yep, 3:30 a.m. Sleep is overrated.

We arrived at the hospital parking lot about 5:30 a.m. and trekked what seemed like a couple of miles to Surgical Registration. I checked in with a woman who was too alert for such an abysmal time. We waited for about 20 minutes, then someone led us on another trek to Pre-Op where I changed into a hospital gown and hopped onto the gurney.

My nurse was an adorable, diminutive redhead with freckles and a pixie cut, too alert and too cheery. She put EKG leads on my chest, a blood pressure cuff on my arm, and poked my finger to check my blood sugar, and started an IV, all while telling me what I needed to do.

“You remind me of my wife.”
“Hey, you brought her here, I didn’t.”

I started laughing so hard she had to retake my blood pressure after I calmed down.

I talked with Dr. Pierce, the anesthesiologist, and reminded him of my paradoxical reaction to Versed (midazolam), a drug used for anesthesia induction and conscious sedation. Dr. Fine appeared a little after 7:00 am for some last-minute discussion and reminders. Surgery would take about two or three hours and I would go home in the afternoon if everything went well.  Then the OR nurse put a bonnet on me, had me kiss Peg and rolled me down to the room. I slid onto the table while the anesthesiologist and the scrub tech introduced themselves and got me ready.
The last thing I remember hearing was, “This might sting a little as it goes into your vein.” Click here if you want to see Robotic Assisted Laparoscopic Radical Prostatectomy .

When I woke up 3½ hours later, it seemed as if only ten minutes had passed. I felt pretty good in large part to the local anesthetic injected around the trocar sites. Even the catheter wasn’t uncomfortable.  I had something to drink and the recovery room nurse had me walk down the hall.  I was home by 3:00 and really happy I didn’t have to stay in the hospital.

The following week wasn’t bad, either. I didn’t have to get up at night because of the catheter. Peg got up at 1 a.m. that first night to empty the bag, but I cut my liquid intake in the evening and emptied it about 11 p.m. which got me through the night. I had six stab wounds for the trocars but only one hurt if I coughed or move wrong, and that only lasted a week. I took three hydrocodone tablets, mostly at night, and used acetaminophen the rest of the time.

My abdomen after surgery
My incisions

The pathology report came back by the end of the week:

Surgical pathology report
Prostatectomy Pathology Report.
A. Right neurovascular bundle margin, excision:
-Neurovascular tissue, negative for malignancy.
B. Prostate, radical prostatectomy:
-Prostatic adenocarcinoma, Gleason score 4+5 = 9.
-The margins of excision are negative for tumor.
-Focal extraprostatic extension, left posterolateral, for a total span of 5 mm.
-Uninvolved seminal vesicles.
C. Bilateral pelvic lymph nodes, excision:
-Six lymph nodes, negative for tumor (0/6).
D. Posterior bladder neck, excision:
-Fibromuscular tissue, negative for tumor.
E. Anterior bladder neck, excision:
-Fibromuscular tissue and focal urothelium, negative for tumor.

So, the cancer cells were worse than the biopsy and it had already peeked out beyond the prostate. Having negative margins means the bad stuff was confined to what was taken out. Surgery turned out to be the more prudent approach.

The catheter came out the following Monday. I had to change underwear frequently for a few days but was back to my pre-surgical level of incontinence by the end of the week. It felt strange being able to urinate like I did before my prostate started squeezing my urethra.

I had an appointment for the Vacuum Erection Device Clinic in January, but that is a whole ‘nother story.

Compared to What?

(Please forgive my absence. The last two months have been a bit chaotic.)

This was too good to pass up.

Number One son, my clone in personality if not appearance, started a discussion on Facebook: So… at what point does the MiniTrue behavior of the current administration become an actionable problem?

A friend of his responded: Ah the ministry of truth telling you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears.

My first thought on seeing “Mini-True” was Verne Troyer. I remember a few of Orwell’s unique terms – Big Brother, thoughtcrimes, doublespeak and the homeland Oceania – but not the contraction MiniTrue. I asked Peg and she didn’t remember it either.

Number One Son: Ministry of Truth. S’newspeak
The Old Man: Millennial shorthand again.
Number One Son: Jesus dad did you even READ the book?

Yeah, numbnuts, I read 1984 in 1969 when I was a high school freshman. And Animal Farm. And Brave New World, though I’ve never read Lord of the Flies. One my high school buddies called me Piggy because I had “assmar” (asthma).I had an image of Julia I based on a blonde from a beer ad in TV Guide. Years later when I saw the 1956 film version of 1984 with Edmund O’Brien as Winston Smith, Jan Sterling’s Julia came pretty close to what I’d imagined.

I grew up during a time that was similar to what’s going on now but, in its own way, far uglier, although Peg thinks the present is worse. Black people were still being lynched in the South during the 1960s. Detroit and other inner cities burned in 1967 as black people rioted against police brutality, poverty and racism. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Bobby Kennedy were assassinated within a couple of months of each other in 1968, killing our hopes of racial harmony and a return to Camelot.

Our collective stomachs knotted as we watched old men on television randomly drawing birth dates for the draft. We were in a war in Vietnam we could never win, and our leaders knew it.  Fifty thousand US troops died. So did an estimated 1.3 million North and South Vietnamese soldiers, along with 2 million Vietnamese civilians. The American casualties in Iraq, Afghanistan and Syria are far lower, but the faulty rationales for “bringing freedom and democracy to you savages” persist.

College campuses exploded. The Students for a Democratic Society (SDS), founded in Ann Arbor, Michigan organized “teach-ins” (a.k.a. “preaching to the choir”) and antiwar protests. The Weather Underground Organization didn’t think the SDS was militant enough, split off in 1969 and started a bombing campaign targeting banks and government buildings. Diana Oughton, who grew up in Dwight, Illinois, about 15 minutes from where I lived in Streator, died in a Greenwich Village apartment when the bomb she was building exploded prematurely. She was only 28.

The 1968 Democratic National Convention in Chicago was eclipsed by Chicago cops tear-gassing and beating the crap out of protestors. Mike Wallace and Dan Rather, CBS reporters who would become legends, were assaulted on national TV. Chicago Mayor Richard J. Daley, whom columnist Mike Royko called “The Great Dumpling,” made his infamous proclamation: ““The policeman isn’t there to create disorder, the policeman is there to preserve disorder.”

On October 15, 1969, a few million people around the country – mostly young, some older – joined The Moratorium to End the War in Vietnam. Our high school administration had banned wearing black armbands in honor of the day, prompting several seniors to walk out and assemble at the American Legion memorial in the city park. I wore an armband home that day. My stepfather called me a Communist and said the kids at the memorial should have been lined up and shot. I’d never thought of him having any political inclinations and I was surprised as hell. I picked a side that day and I’ve never wavered.

American Legion Memorial, Streator, IL

Six of my high school friends and I read How Old Will You Be in 1984?, a collection of essays from high school “underground” papers around the country. We would all turn 30 in 1984, the age at which we thought as teenagers, adults could no longer be trusted — a sobering thought. (The irony is I now think of thirty as “young and stupid,” and I don’t trust people my age when they have money and power.)

We printed four editions of “The Paper,” our naïve attempt to change the hearts and minds of high schoolers in a blue collar town. Dennis’ dad gave us access to a mimeograph machine; we printed them on pastel paper and sold them for a dime. I still have some of them left, crumbling in a manila envelope somewhere in our basement. It got us mentioned in a much larger collection, The Movement Toward A New America: The Beginnings of a Long Revolution., but not much else.

USA Today ran this opinion on September 6, 2019: “If things are so bad under President Trump, why aren’t we seeing larger protest movement?“  My snarky comment was “Because people won’t look up from their cell phones.” They aren’t willing to risk being teargassed, beaten or shot for what they may view as an exercise in futility. There have been a few symbolic protests and arrests but nothing that has altered minds or policy.

learned protesting doesn’t accomplish shit. My generation wanted a “revolution,” but it didn’t turn out as we’d hoped. Not even close. The only things we “accomplished” were President Lyndon Johnson decided not to run for re-election, and the backlash from the riots killed Hubert Humphrey’s chances of winning. The US didn’t pull out of Vietnam for another 5 years. We got Richard Nixon as President, his war on drugs and his eventual resignation for the Watergate cover-up. Republicans are still fighting the culture wars, even though all of us dirty hippie godless Commies are grandparents and more worried about our 401k’s than sticking it to The Man. (Click here for a story about the couple on the Woodstock album cover, married for almost 50 years!)

Pissing and moaning on Facebook may be cathartic. Signing online petitions to your weasels in Congress might make you think you’re doing something, but it doesn’t. Voting helps but only to a point. Each person can vote for two Senators, one Congressional Representative and the President. I can’t vote Moscow Mitch, Ted Cruz or lunatics like Louie Gohmert out of office. You could elect Jesus Christ Himself as President and as long as the GOP controls Congress, you ain’t getting shit.

Change is incremental and requires fundamental shifts in public opinion. Civil rights, voting rights, gay marriage and legalized marijuana didn’t happen overnight. Bernie’s minions should stop hoping for a “progressive” miracle worker with a magic wand and work towards changing Congress instead of whining about how the DNC “screwed” him in 2016.

Trump’s base will crawl on their knees over hot coals to vote. Millennials and Gen X’ers will comprise more than half of next year’s eligible voting population, almost twice the number of Baby Boomers (whom some of them blame for their misery). They are in a much better position to alter our country’s course because they have more to lose by doing nothing.

In 1969, Les McCann and Eddie Harris performed “Compared to What?” at the Montreux Jazz Festival. Some things haven’t changed in fifty years

“The President, he’s got his war
Folks don’t know just what it’s for
Nobody gives us rhyme or reason
Have one doubt, they call it treason
We’re chicken-feathers, all without one nut. God damn it!
Tryin’ to make it real, compared to what? (Sock it to me)”

We still have a long way to go.

Illustration © Canstock Photo / Satori

Compared to What? By Gene McDaniels. © 1966

Apollo at 50

July 20, 1969. I was two months shy of my fifteenth birthday and the warm afternoon sun was coming through the dining room window as I set the table for Sunday dinner in a house that no longer exists. The television had been on most of the day as the world and I waited for Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin to land on the moon.

Almost seven years previously, John F. Kennedy had urged the United States to commit to sending astronauts to the moon and back. “We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other things,not because they are easy, but because they are hard…”  The Soviet Union had launched the first satellite, Sputnik 1, in 1957 and the first man into space just four years later. At the time most of us did not realize Kennedy’s lofty goal was less about establishing a long-term presence in space but more about beating our mortal enemy, those godless Commies.

Back then we saw science and technology as tools for creating a much better world. Education and knowledge were respected, not dismissed as a liberal conspiracy to undermine our sacred way of life. So, the country rallied around the President and the space program. It seemed our civic duty to follow each mission from launch to splashdown. The three (and only) major networks provided nonstop television coverage of each mission. Some schools brought TV sets into classrooms.

On February 2, 1962 John Glenn became the first American to orbit the earth in his Mercury capsule, Friendship 7. Alan Shepard’s and Gus Grissom’s fifteen minute suborbital flights seemed less important; Glenn became a national hero and the one we all remembered. Kennedy’s issued his famous challenge on September 12, 1962.

In January 1963, my grandparents sent me a cardboard Mercury capsule, complete with a helmet and a battery operated control panel with blinking lights and dials that whizzed around for a few days before breaking down. Still, it was thrilling to pretend I was an astronaut.

The Gemini program’s first manned launch was in March 1965 almost two years after the last Mercury mission. I watched Frank McGee and David Brinkley, their calm, comforting voices, covering the Gemini missions for NBC, “sponsored by Gulf Oil Corporation.” (Click here for the NBC Special Reports open and close, which preceded any major announcement, from space shots to LBJ’s health status.) Brinkley’s droll delivery reminds me of Obama, especially in this clip, (at 1:30), when he remarks, “It seems to me, um, the age of the computer had to arrive before the age of space, didn’t it?”  (I’ve found the networks’ breathless coverage of the 50th anniversary rather irritating.)

Among my few memories of Gemini are building Revell’s plastic model and watching SPECTRE’s bad guys capture a Gemini capsule in orbit at the beginning of the fifth Bond film, You Only Live Twice. Ed White stepped outside of Gemini 4 on June 3, 1965, becoming the first astronaut to walk in space, another milestone. But I think interest started to dwindle over the next year, as we became concerned with the turmoil on earth. The war in Vietnam was ramping up. Newark, Detroit, Minneapolis and other cities  would explode in rage and fire in July 1967. The world I’d known was disappearing. Or maybe it had always been this way and I’d been oblivious.

On January 27, 1967 astronauts Gus Grissom, Ed White and Roger Chaffee died gruesome deaths after a spark from faulty wiring ignited the pure oxygen environment in the Apollo 1 command module during pre-flight testing.  We heard about it the next evening when Jules Bergman, ABC News’ Science Editor, somberly read a script from the ABC News desk. There were no 24-hour news channels back then; no instantaneous and continuous coverage. It happened, it was over, and we went back to our lives. (Nineteen years and a day later the space shuttle Challenger exploding 73 seconds after liftoff; we watched the disaster on an endless loop.)

I didn’t follow any of the Apollo missions during the next two and a half years, having descended into the depths of teenaged angst and cynicism. Apollo 8’s Christmas Eve broadcast from lunar orbit seemed quaint and hollow after I’d watched Chicago cops beating protestors and CBS news teams during the 1968 Democratic Convention.

But then came Apollo 11 and the moon landing.

Apollo 11 launched on July 16, 1969  and, after making one and a half trips around the earth, the third stage ignited, sending the modules and the astronauts towards the moon. The CSM separated from the third stage, turned around and extracted the LM. All this happened within a few hours. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin entered the LM on July 18 for preliminary checks during the three-day trip to the moon; the craft entered into lunar orbit on July 19. (Vox has an excellent summary of the mission here.)

And we waited.

On July 20, 1969 the LM Eagle undocked and separated from the CSM Columbia at 12:44pm CDT. The two would stay in orbit together until Eagle entered its descent orbit at 2:08pm CDT. The descent engine fired at 3:05pm CDT and Eagle began the nail-biting final trip down to the moon’s surface. Hundreds of millions of us were now glued to their television screens. (You can watch a long version, 19m 52s, of the final approach here. If you want the Cliff Notes version, 4m 30s, click here.)

I remember watching the black and white pictures on our console TV. As Eagle neared the surface a long probe, looking like a needle about to pierce the skin, appeared at the top of the screen, growing larger until the module’s shadow blotted out most of the view. At 3:17pm, Neil Armstrong uttered the first of two famous phrases, “Houston, Tranquility Base here, the Eagle has landed.”

Neil Armstrong finally stepped onto the moon’s surface six hours later, delivering those unforgettable words: “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” The video quality wasn’t the best, but coming from 250,000 miles, it was awe-inspiring and humbling. The world was one for a brief time.

AFTERWORD

Jethro Tull’s album, Benefit, hit U.S. shelves in May, 1970. I’d been listening to it for forty-some years before actually reading the lyrics to “For Michael Collins, Jeffrey and Me.” The verses rival Steely Dan in ambiguous, but chorus is Michael Collins, the man who stayed in the CSM, telling Armstrong and Aldrin to be careful and lamenting he couldn’t be with them

 “…I’m with you L.E.M.
Though it’s a shame that it had to be you
The mother ship
Is just a blip from your trip made for two
I’m with you boys
So please employ just a little extra care
It’s on my mind
I’m left behind when I should have been there
Walking with you…”

So, have a listen before you go.

Apollo image (c) Can Stock Photo / merlin74

Field Report

I’ve been on the new job for more than three months now and it’s been a delight. I don’t regret walking away from the chaos into which my profession has descended. I don’t have to deal with ill-tempered administrators expecting the impossible. My visits aren’t rushed and there are no productivity targets.

And I have a lot of stories to tell.

Dead Men Walking
I’m astounded by how willing men are to put their lives and balls in jeopardy by lying like a cheap rug in front of their wives. I’ll ask the husband a question about health status he’ll say, “Of course, I’m fine!” She will roll her eyes, snort or say, “You didn’t tell him about this!

I’ll ask men, “Are you under any stress right now?” They will shoot furtive glances at their spouses, sitting a mere few feet away, and snicker. I’ll shake my head and mutter, “Don’t poke the bear,” while thinking you’re living on the edge, fool.

Another question on the list is: “Are you short of breath at night when you’re in bed?” An eighty-one year old guy chuckled and said, “It depends on what I’m doing.” His wife narrowed her eyes and said, “Don’t go there.” You want to sleep on the couch?

There’s a memory test near the end of the evaluation.  I give members three words to remember before asking them to draw a clock face and hands to indicate a random time. I then ask if they can recall any of the words.

One woman got two out of three. Her husband, two rooms over, and in a wheelchair, blurted out all three words.

She yelled, “You shut the f*ck up!”

I thought, she’s going to beat his ass as soon as I leave. It’s best if I’m not around when the cops find the body.

And That’s When the Fight Started
I evaluated an octogenarian Hispanic couple with the aid of a translating service I call on my cell phone. It’s not as efficient as an in-person interpreter; often one side doesn’t hear the questions or answers. I make sure I look at the person directly rather than telling the translator, “Would you ask him/her…?” It’s far more polite and lets them know I recognize them as individuals rather than anonymous subjects.

Her answers were short with few explanations. Her husband, however, responded to every question with a dissertation before getting to “yes” or “no.” It went well until the end when I foolishly asked, “¿Tiene preguntas?” – “Do you have any questions?”

She began a tirade in Spanish to which her husband responded just as vociferously. The interpreter waited a few minutes before translating the argument.

“She says her husband is always tired because he watches the television too much and then can’t sleep, and isn’t that bad for him? He wants to know what is wrong with watching TV because he enjoys it.’”

Their son, who’d been sitting at the table during the entire interview, just snickered.

I said, “I’m not getting involved in this; thanks for your help” and hung up. The couple and their son paused to bid me adieu before resuming their, uh, discussion.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
I saw a woman in her mid-70s one afternoon. I had time to see her two hours earlier, but she didn’t want me to because “I have to finish doing my nails.”  When I arrived at the appointed time, her husband greeted me when I arrived and graciously offered me a seat at their dining room table. A red-headed ball of fire who reminded me of Gladys Kravitz joined us a few minutes later, snapping at her husband, who appeared to be the perfect Abner. “Where’s my insurance card? It was here on the table! Go find it!”

She had a badly infected toe, purple and swollen. She’d also had both hips and knees replaced, running the risk of infecting the bone around the replacements. When I pointed it out, she said, “I don’t want to go on antibiotics because they give me diarrhea. And I don’t want to go to the hospital to get IV antibiotics. Can’t they do it here at home?”

“Well, it looks pretty bad to me. If you don’t get it treated, you’re likely need it amputated.”

She scowled at me.

Being a conscientious sort, I called her primary care physician and relayed my concerns. She said she would call Gladys and prescribe antibiotics for the infection.

The woman called me the next morning on my way to another evaluation. “This is Gladys Kravitz. Are you the doctor that snitched to my primary care doctor?”

“Yes, I did. Yer gonna lose that toe if you don’t listen to your doctor.”

“I told you I don’t want to take any antibiotics.”

Well, one can only go so far…

Curiosities
Halfway between Harlem Road and Ridgeland Avenue, on US 30, the Google Map lady says, “Welcome to Indiana.” A hundred yards or so farther down, she says, “Welcome to Illinois.”  Indiana is a good fifteen miles to the east as the crow flies. A wormhole, maybe?

A hypertensive, obese Pakistani man spent much of the evaluation extolling the virtues of natural medicine, telling me how things like turmeric and lime would cure my own hypertension and obesity.

Only the Good Die Young
She was an adorable 88-year-old with a charming smile and a voice like Georgia Engel. She was legally blind and used a walker. And, like the Little Old Lady From Pasadena, she could be a terror.

I met her with her daughter and one of two caregivers who always stayed with her. I introduced myself and the first thing out of her mouth was, “Are you going to give me my driver’s license back?”

Her daughter said, “We had to take it away because she’s now legally blind and it’s not safe for her to drive.”

“Well, no, I can’t give you your license back.”

“Then what good are you?”

I continued with the usual questions.

“Have you had a heart attack?”

“Not yet.”

“Have you had a stroke?”

“Not yet.”

“Have you had any kind of cancer?”

“Not yet.”

“You sound like you’re looking forward to it.”

Before I left, I said, “Well, you are doing pretty well for 88.”

Her caregiver replied, “She can still give you the finger,” which prompted her to flip us off with both hands.

Tea and Sympathy

It’s not all fun and games. Sometimes I act as bartender or father confessor, listening to sorrows, regrets and frustrations.

A man from Pakistan brought his extended family to the U.S., along with their bitter familial feud. When I asked if he had any regrets during the depression evaluation, he said sadly, “I’ve begged my family to forgive me for bringing them here, but they refuse. Some of them won’t talk to me.”

A woman’s worsening arthritis left her unable to walk more than a few feet without agonizing pain. When her adorable, diminutive Shih-Tzu wanted a potty break, I let her out (and had to coax her back in because she wanted to play). We continued the evaluation, but she started to cry.

“Look at me! I can barely move. I used to go out all the time and now I can’t. I’m in so much pain all the time and there isn’t much they can do.”

A man only a few years older than me had lost his wife one month earlier after a short but horrible illness. He sat next to me on the couch, his late wife’s two Shih-Tzu puppies by his side, wagging their tails as they looked me over. He looked like a biker, big and burly, but he was completely lost without her.

“I have to get the house ready to sell, but I don’t have the energy.” His voice trailed off and he looked as if he could cry.

Early in my career I learned I couldn’t fix all the ills of my patients. Often, just listening without judgement or reproach is sufficient therapy.

Midwest Seasons

We have a saying here: “If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes.” Midwestern seasons can be unpredictable, ranging from tranquil to brutal. Here’s my guide.

Winter

Midwestern winters…SUCK. There’s no other way to put it. It’s not the cold; it’s the unending grey that stretches from early November through March and sometimes beyond. We start the long, slow crawl to more sunlight on December 22, but the darkness just sucks the life out of everything. Christmas is bittersweet; the day after Christmas is the hangover from the night before. New Year’s Eve is the last hurrah of the year. I still hate trying to stay up past midnight, watching one of the local newscasters trying to slip her co-anchor the tongue as “Sweet Home Chicago” plays during the fireworks at Navy Pier.

Groundhog Day Blizzard 2011

I keep telling myself, “I just have to make it through January and February.” The Superbowl means spring is about six weeks away, if we’re lucky.

Spring
Just when I think about hanging myself rather than enduring one more week of winter, the sun suddenly comes out and spring arrives, right on schedule! The trees seem to go from delicate buds to full bloom overnight and the grass is once again green. The pungent scent of fresh (not frozen) dog turds wafts through the air on our morning walk. Praise the Lord and pass the potting soil! It’s time to take the covers off the patio furniture and the air conditioner, hook up the garden hose, and think about how I’m definitely going to power wash the deck this year along with all those other warm weather tasks. I’ll be lucky to check a quarter of them off the list. Life is good again, eh?

Budding trees

Not so fast. This is the Midwest, remember. March is supposed to come in like a lion and go out like a lamb. But Mother Nature is a bitch; it’s more likely Scar and his friends will show up for the next couple of months and remind us we are idiots for maintaining any sense of optimism. The Cubs postponed their 2018 Opening Day game because of snow, while the White Sox, a much hardier bunch, played and beat Kansas City 14-7

We can go from turning on the furnace to turning on the AC in the same week, sometimes in the same day. We sat on the deck on St. Patrick’s Day in 2012 when the thermometer hit 81° and froze our butts off the following March.  This year we got five inches of snow on Palm Sunday and 70° less than two days later, setting a record. Two more inches of snow fell on April 27. I’ve seen snow in Michigan on Mother’s Day and Peg had snow Memorial Day weekend when she was living in Minneapolis

Palm Sunday Snow, 2019

Spring 2019 has been particularly brutal. The lousy weather has dragged on well into May with cooler than normal temperatures and endless rain and may continue into June. It was sunnier the last two weeks of March than all of April and May. The rain has jacked up mold levels, assaulting my lungs and adding to the misery.

There are momentary respites. The crabapple trees at the neighborhood park blossom for a few weeks. Lombard’s Lilacia Park  lilac trees bloom sometime in May. Chicago kicks off the approaching summer when meteorologist and WGN’s Weather God Tom Skilling flips the switch on Buckingham Fountain.

Crabapple blossoms

Every year I tell myself, “Well, this winter wasn’t so bad.” And nine months later I’ll wish we were living someplace warm and cheap.

Summer

Our one week of spring gives way to summer. The urchins are out of school; Baxter no longer goes berserk at 7am when he hears the school bus. I wish the first day of summer was somewhere in July instead of June 21 when the Summer Solstice marks the beginning of that long, slow slide into darkness. But the change is gradual enough that it’s hard to notice, until mid-August when the sun sets before 8:20.

The weather can be hot and dry, hot and steamy or any combination. Those first few muggy days remind me of being out of school for the summer, listening to the mostly unintelligible words of the Hollies’ “Long Cool Woman (In a Black Dress)” or the Beatles’ “Get Back” while riding around thinking about one of my classmates I just saw washing the family car. She wore shorts and those sleeveless blouses that through which one might glimpse the side of her bra.

We don’t have to suffer brutal heat like Phoenix where it’s so hot construction crews have to pour concrete after midnight. Chicago issues heat advisories when the heat and humidity become dangerous and the city opens cooling centers for the poor folk with no air conditioning, minimizing the risk of death. That approach developed after the devastating heat wave of July 1995, when triple-digit temperatures combined with an inadequate electrical grid resulted in more than 700 deaths, mostly among the elderly people who were isolated from the rest of their community. 215 died on July 15 alone.  The Cook County Medical Examiner’s office had to rent refrigerated trucks to store the surplus bodies.

Summer is mostly tolerable, except for the occasional deluge or tornado. July 1 means football pre-season starts in a month; college football in two. Baxter and I walk either early in the morning or late in the evening. Or we just say, “screw it” and go to Dairy Queen. (Last year we ran into an old guy in the DQ parking lot with a parrot on his arm and a cone in his hand, singing “Let’s all go to the lobby” on his way back to his truck.)

Autumn

This is easily my favorite time of year and it’s not just because I have an autumn birthday. What’s not to like? Labor Day signals summer’s official end. The kids go back to school and the adults put away that summer belligerence for another year. College football season starts, and I can look forward to another year of watching the Michigan State Spartans win instead of the Fighting Illini losing. Pro football starts as well, but it isn’t as exciting. Baseball will come to an end and the WGN 9 o’clock news won’t be postponed for a Cubs game.

There’s also nothing like the first time the wind shifts, and a Canadian high pressure system pushes the humidity back to the swamps in the South. The leaves start to turn (sometimes as soon as August) and eventually I’ll have to play “Find the Dog Turds” when Baxter decides to do it under the crabapple tree at the local park. Soon we’ll be knee-deep in pumpkin spice everything, from that overpriced coffee from Washington State to Culver’s Pumpkin Shakes.

Autumn leaves, August 2018

The weather is fickle. We can go from crisp, sunny mornings to cold and drizzle. It snowed October 30, 1997, three months after I moved back to Illinois. It wasn’t much but enough to win a cynical bet I made with Peg.  An EF4 tornado hit Washington, Illinois, on November 17, 2013. I’ve seen 70° two weeks before Christmas, followed by 15” of snow in January.

The cluster of holidays makes the early nightfall far easier to take. Halloween sits on the fence between Indian summer and the first snow. Thanksgiving is a great holiday because there’s a lot of food and no gifts to buy, at least until Black Friday kicks off the annual shopping frenzy. I start looking for stuff online before the Cyber Monday insanity and breath a sigh of relief when the last gift has been wrapped. The family once again ignores my suggestion to go on a Caribbean cruise for Christmas.

A new year begins. A new cycle begins.

Coming up: A report from the field.