Category Archives: Rants

You kids get the hell off my lawn!

Changes

When I was in medical school an instructor admitted, “Half of what we teach you is wrong. The problem is, we don’t know which half.”  I could say the same about residency. Some of what I learned as an intern fell out of favor by the time I was a chief resident, such as x-ray pelvimetry to determine a woman’s likelihood of delivering vaginally, or the internist’s casual approach to glucose control in diabetic pregnant women.

The pendulum continued to swing over the next thirty some years of my career. We went from “Once a (Cesarean) section, always a section,” to “Every woman should be offered the chance to deliver vaginally after a Cesarean,” to “Let’s put a little thought into who should be doing this!”

I did a rotating internship after medical school because I had no idea which direction I should take. Obstetrics was the last thing on my mind because the physician with whom I had the most contact could be sarcastic and demeaning. That changed during two months of obstetrics in a completely different environment. I ended up taking the second-year position vacated by one of the first-year obstetrical residents who left to fulfill his three-year obligation to the U.S. Air Force. (I heard he went into radiology when he got back.)

Fast forward three decades. I was working as a locum tenens physician for the medical school I’d once attended. My old obstetrical tormentor had retired from practice but continued to be heavily involved in student and resident teaching. The years had mellowed him, or maybe it was because he didn’t have the stress and burden of a private practice.

One afternoon he asked to join me while I was doing an abdominal hysterectomy. I doubt that he remembered me from so long ago, but I was honored that he’d ask and was truly interested in what I was doing. The circle was completing; the student was now the master and the master was now “master emeritus.” Side note: I’ve never been cocky enough to consider myself a “master.”

A few months ago, I met a delightful young medical student doing her obstetrical rotation. She is intelligent, capable, ambitious and learns quickly. She began her first year as an ob/gyn resident in July, which has prompted me to reflect on what has changed since I was the youngster under the gaze of my mentors, some of whom were approaching retirement.

Ultrasound:  Ultrasound has been around since the early 1960s, but the first images looked more like abstract paintings than recognizable body parts. The ultrasound tech would swipe the transducer – a thing about the size of a restaurant salt shaker – that sent and received sound waves – back and forth across a woman’s abdomen. The results looked like this:

I couldn’t tell you what this was, and we suspected neither could most radiologists. More than once we would explore a woman’s abdomen because a radiologist swore “there is definitely an ectopic pregnancy present,” and find nothing.

Ultrasound has evolved. Machines can produce three dimensional images in real time, check on blood flow into and out of organs and measure minute structures in developing fetuses. Emergency departments now have FAST ultrasounds (Focused Assessment with Sonography in Trauma) which can rapidly detect internal bleeding or a pneumothorax (collapsed lung) at the bedside, obviating the need for a CT scan. It’s much better than the old way of diagnosing a ruptured tubal pregnancy, which was sticking an 18-gauge needle through the posterior vagina into the pelvic cavity looking for non-clotting blood.

Gonorrhea testing: Neisseria gonorrhoeae, the bacterium causing gonococcal infections, grows best within an oxygen-poor environment. We used to take a sample from a woman’s cervix, smear it across a culture plate, then stick it in a one-gallon pickle jar with a lit candle and close the lid, burning off the oxygen. By the end of the day we’d have 20 or so culture plates in the jar and the room would smell like burnt wax. Now we look for gonorrhea (and chlamydia) DNA on a cervical swab or in a urine sample.

Fetal monitors and intrauterine pressure catheters: Fetal monitors, which track a baby’s heart rate and a mother’s contractions, were introduced in the late 1960s and early 1970s.  Both were accomplished with devices placed on the mother’s abdomen, but the results often were inaccurate. The scalp electrode, created in 1972 by the venerable Dr. Ed Hon, allows us to monitor the baby’s heart directly.

The modern intrauterine pressure catheter (IUPC) measures contractions through a solid, transducer-tipped catheter threaded into the uterine cavity. The early catheters were fluid-filled tubes connected to a small strain gauge transducer which required a dome of water placed directly on the pickup before the cover was screwed on. The transducer then had to be taped to the bed rail at approximately the same height as the uterus.  Sometimes we’d use a tongue depressor and thick adhesive tape to keep it in place. Then we’d open a stopcock to “zero out” the system, close the stopcock and hoped it all worked.

Determining ruptured membranes: Back in the old days we determined if a woman had “broken her water” by inspecting the vagina with a speculum for amniotic fluid, testing any visible fluid with nitrazine paper, and then slapping some fluid on a slide, letting it dry and look through the microscope for “ferning.” If there was any question, we’d have the woman wear a pad and check for fluid an hour or so later, or, in rare cases, inject indigo carmine dye into the uterine cavity and look for blue fluid in the vagina.  When ultrasound came into widespread use, we looked at fluid levels around the baby.

Then a company created an expensive test to check for an amniotic fluid protein to determine whether membranes had ruptured. Their ad campaign preyed on all our fears by asking, “Are you really, really, absolutely, positively sure?” Hospital administrators took away our nitrazine paper and microscopes because now they had a test for which they could bill. Doctors liked it because it meant they didn’t have to stagger out of bed in the middle of the night to do an exam, or so they thought.

Then in August 2018 the FDA issued an alert reminding physicians “that the labeling for these tests specifies that they should not be used on their own to independently diagnose…ROM (rupture of membranes) in pregnant women.”

A Korean study found a positive test in a third of women in labor with intact membranes. A review of ROM testing published in The Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology of Canada was cautiously optimistic about protein assays although they cautioned “Further studies are needed to assess the reliability of the test according to the time from membrane rupture.” So what would make the critics happy?

We do our best, but nothing is perfect.

Hysterectomy: Vaginal hysterectomy has been compared to rebuilding an engine through the tailpipe. The Grand Old Man of vaginal hysterectomies attached to my residency program retired during my second year, so I learned to take out uteri through an abdominal incision. Not that I couldn’t do a vaginal hysterectomy, but I liked being able to see what I was doing. Few things are worse than fishing for a bleeding artery through a vagina.

Laparoscopic-assisted vaginal hysterectomy (LAVH) started to become popular in the 1990s, but the learning curve was steep. I knew physicians who spent seven hours on their first few LAVHs after going to a weekend course, which is no substitution for extensive residency training.

The alleged advantage of LAVH was being able to detach the tubes and ovaries under direct visualization, but one still had to finish the procedure vaginally. Most of the required equipment was disposable and expensive, making it 40% more expensive than a traditional vaginal hysterectomy. Some of us thought LAVH made up for a lack of skill.

Robotic surgery started becoming popular in the early 2000s, but robots were used more for marketing than for patient benefit, and they weren’t cheap. A robot cost $1-$2.5 million up front and came with a $100,000 to $170,000 annual service contract , enough to give any hospital bean counter palpitations.

But, after years of experience and refinement, doing a hysterectomy exclusively with laparoscopic equipment made total laparoscopic hysterectomy (TLH) a truly “minimally invasive surgery.” One surgical assistant told me taking the detached uterus out at the end was like uncorking a bottle. More than one study found there was no advantage to using robotics over TLH. I suspect many of those machines will be gathering dust in closets, sitting next to $100,000 carbon dioxide lasers used to treat precancerous cervical lesions before LEEP (wire-loop cautery used to whack out a chunk of cervix) became popular.

Employment: Physicians were masters of their domains for most of the twentieth century. In the early days, you graduated from medical school, did a year internship to get a license and hung out a shingle as a general practitioner.  Specialties (and specialty boards) started appearing during the 1950s, along with residency programs lasting three to seven years, and the old GP would become extinct. Physician practices were still largely independent even into the 1990s. Being employed by a hospital or, worse yet, a “goddam HMO” made you a substandard physician who couldn’t get a job anywhere else in the eyes of the Great White Fathers who still ran things.

But, as I’ve previously discussed, things have changed. By 2017 less than half of American physicians owned their own practices, especially in metropolitan areas. I live in the Chicago suburbs where a large majority of private practices have been absorbed by large medical groups and/or hospitals. New physicians expect to be employed rather than deal with the headaches inherent in independent practices: personnel, equipment, rent, taxes and liability insurance, which can run $150,000 a year for an ob/gyn. We gave up autonomy for financial security and lost both in the process.

Patient care and ownership: The generation of physicians before me cringed when administrators used terms like “customer service,” but in their hearts they knew what it meant. They took good care of their patients because those patients were their livelihood. In a group practice the patients were all OUR patients, rather than MY patients and YOUR patients.

Primary care developed “concierge care” as a backlash to corporate medicine. Concierge care promises same day or next day appointments, access to one’s physician 24/7, unhurried visits and “personalized care,” or what I used to know as “doing my damn job!”  I’ve called patients with test results, talked to them at all hours of the night and I made at least one house call to check on a patient’s Cesarean section incision that had opened up.

This “white-glove customer service” comes with annual fees ranging from $1000  to a whopping $25,000! And that is just for the privilege. Actual care still costs money. You can’t use Flexible Savings Account (FSA) or Health Savings Account (HSA) money for the fee, so this isn’t an option practical for the masses.

I’d like to think there’s a new generation of physicians willing to fix what’s broken for everyone, but I’m not holding my breath.

An Epidemic of Stupidity

I’ve declared the third week of July as National Health Care Stupidity Week, for I’ve never encountered such high levels before.

I saw an ophthalmologist for a problem with my left upper eyelid at the beginning of July and scheduled surgery for three weeks later. We asked the scheduler how much the procedure would cost but she said, “It depends.” That’s not much of an answer to a physician who understands the vagaries of CPT coding and insurance reimbursement. You give the insurance company the codes and your charges. The insurance company laughs their asses off and then tell you “No fucking way. THIS is what we’ll reimburse you.”

The scheduler said, “I’ll ask the doctor what he plans on doing and I’ll call you in two days with the charges.”

I can understand if the physician wasn’t quite sure what he was going to be doing right after seeing me, so we let it go.

The week’s aggravation started at Drugs ‘R’ Us, a national chain, which the threat of litigation prevents me from identifying. I’ve used a maintenance inhaler for life-long asthma, for which there is NO generic. The price has climbed from a $150 insurance copay for a three-month supply from a parasitic mail-order pharmacy benefit manager to $400 for one and NO insurance coverage until (my very high) deductible is met. I brought this up to my pulmonologist last month and asked for a little-known generic equivalent (different medications but should have the same therapeutic benefit).

He said, “Well, Thieving Bastards Pharmaceuticals have this discount card that will give it to you for free if you have insurance. It’s good until December 2018.”

I learned a long time ago there ain’t no free lunch, but if they are willing to part with it for free, I’m in. I took it to Drugs ‘R’ Us and, after 20 minutes or so of fighting with the computer, I got my inhaler. ONE inhaler. I have to go back every month for this charade.

The pharmacy’s robot phone said I could pick up this month’s inhaler. However, the pharmacy tech brought me a bag with three inhalers and a bill for $935 “because you haven’t met your deductible.” No shit, Sherlock. I have insurance with a high deductible and a health savings account (HSA) which is great at a certain income level but completely useless if you’re making minimum wage (in which case you probably don’t have any insurance and you’re a drain on society, at least according to the bastards who’ve been trying to undo the ACA for the past 8 years).

“Last time I got one and it was free! Here’s the card and I’m NOT going to pay almost a thousand bucks for this. I’d rather die a quick and painless death.” (I’m using that phrase more often these days.)

“Well, let me change it but I have to run it through the system again. It’s going to take some time.”

Fine. I sat in one of the uncomfortable chairs in the pharmacy waiting area and perused the local paper, which didn’t help my mood any.

Then my phone rang.

“Hi, this is Brunhilda from the Pretentious Suburban Surgery Center. Your insurance is going to pay 80% of the procedure after you’ve met your deductible, but you haven’t met your deductible, so we want your left testicle ($1305) as a down payment.”

“First of all, why? Second, what is this going to cost me in total?”

“Well, we ask everyone for a down payment.”

No, you said it was because I hadn’t met my deductible but, please, proceed.

“Why? This isn’t a cosmetic procedure and I’ve already signed the boilerplate insurance assignment form that says I’m responsible for the remainder.  So, again, what is this going to cost me?”

“We can’t tell you what we charge, and the insurance company won’t let us tell you what they will pay us.”

“Why not?”

“It’s in our contract.”

“You’d tell me if I was paying for all of this out of pocket, wouldn’t you?”

Silence

“Well, my financial adviser has told me that’s not a great idea. I’ve got an HSA funded with pretax dollars and if I overpay you and you then reimburse me directly, I might run afoul of the IRS, which is not known for being gracious.  Would you be willing to talk with her as I have to leave town in a few minutes?” (Translation: “If I acquiesce to this extortion, Peg is going to ream me a new one. We’re going to play good cop/bad cop and I’ll let her ream you a new one. You really don’t want to poke this bear, but you’re gonna have to learn the hard way.”)

She says, “I’d be happy to!” and I hung up, snickering.

An older woman came to the pharmacy while I was waiting. She was bent over a wheeled walker, wheezing audibly as she shuffled up to the counter. I suspect she had long-standing COPD and it made my lungs hurt just to hear her breathe.

“They called me and told me my prescriptions were ready.”

“What’s the name?”

She wheezed her name.

“Your prescriptions have expired, and we put a call into your doctor’s office to get authorization for refills.”

“But someone called me and asked if I wanted all my prescriptions refilled. She even listed all of them and I said ‘yes!’ Then I got a phone call from you!”

“That is an automated system and we don’t have any control over it.”

This went on for several minutes with the poor woman protesting that she’d done everything she’d been told but slowly realized this trip had been for naught.

Finally, she sighed, said, “Well, what are you gonna do,” turned around and shuffled out. She was far more resigned than I ever would have been. ( is one of my all-time favorite revenge movies. Just sayin’.)

The pharmacist came out, handed my drug card back to me and said, “We put in a phone call to the company and we’re waiting to hear back. It shouldn’t be too long.”

Twenty minutes later I was still waiting. Finally, I got up and said, “I have to leave town. Can my wife pick this up?”

“That’s no problem. We’ll let her know when it’s ready.”

Then I asked her. “Is there a generic for this because the card expires in December and I can’t afford $400 a month for this.” I gave her the generic medication names.

“It looks like the only one is ‘Yerstillscrewed’ but insurance doesn’t cover it.”

“I KNOW that, but I can get a three-month supply using GoodRx for less than half of what one of the brand-name inhalers costs.”

It’s turns out that Thieving Bastards Pharmaceuticals changed the program so that it only covers that drug up to $200/month. You know, the drug for which they set the price at $400.

I left and started my drive to Springfield. I was just about at Joliet when the phone rang.

“This is Vinnie, the enforcer, uh, business manager from the doctor’s office. I wanted to let you know that your insurance is going to pay 80% of the procedure after your deductible is met, but you haven’t met your deductible, so we want your right testicle as a down payment.” (It’s been two weeks since the initial visit and less than a week before surgery.)

“Why?”

“It’s our policy.”

“I’ve had other procedures and visits, and no one has EVER asked for money up front. You just told me what my deductible is, and you know how much I’ve met, which means you also know I’ve been paying towards it. The surgeon’s fee and the surgery center charges are likely to eat up the rest of my deductible. Again, how much is this going to cost?”

“It depends.”

“What do you mean, ’it depends?’ That’s bullshit. There’s a CPT code for the procedure, and you have a charge for it. I know that because I’m a physician and I’ve had my own charge list. You’re going to give the insurance company a bill with a CPT code. They are going to send me an EOB (Explanation of Benefits) which will tell me what YOU charged, what they allow, what they’ve paid and what my obligation is. So, to pretend this is a deep, dark secret is disingenuous. The only thing that “depends” is how much the insurance company is going to pay you and your contract with them defines their reimbursement. So, to ask me for money up front is insulting. You’re making me sound like a deadbeat.”

“No, no, we do this with everyone.” (Where have I heard that before?)

“Yeah, well no one else has ever asked me for a deposit! No one asked for a deposit before my colonoscopy, or when I went to the ER for a doppler scan for lower leg pain. Look, at this point I’m ready to cancel the whole goddam surgery and find someone else!”

“No, no, no! I’ll talk to the doctor and let him know how you feel and you can discuss it with him.”

I called Peg, who spent the next three days dealing with the office, getting nowhere. Finally, she got a call from the new office manager, a far more reasonable person. They talked for a couple of hours about what appears to the patient to be a hostile approach to payment. It was both illuminating and infuriating.

High deductible health plans are sometimes several hundred dollars a month less expensive than plans with lower deductibles. Some high-deductible plans come with Health Savings Accounts (HSAs), a Republican wet dream Paul Ryan drags out as an alternative to the ACA. HSAs are funded with pre-tax dollars – a maximum of $3450 a year for singles and $6900 for families in 2018 – which can only be used for health care expenses, at least until the account holder reaches 65. Old goats like me (over 55) get to put away an extra $1000 per year in our HSAs. The plans still come with  out-of-pocket maximums of $7,350 for singles and $14,400 for families.

This is a great idea if your income level allows you to part with a few hundred bucks a paycheck and you’ve got a tidy sum in your bank account. It sucks if you don’t have the income, the savings, or if you anticipate ongoing medical expenses.

Here’s the problem. Lower income people get high-deductible plans because the premiums are affordable, but they are at greater financial risk because they don’t have the savings to cover the deductible. They may avoid preventive care if they are unaware that most high-deductible plans cover it with no out-of-pocket costs, opting to take a chance they won’t develop a more serious (and costly) illness later. Because they often can’t afford the deductible, they are more likely to default on outstanding medical bills. Hospitals and physicians have caught on and now demand money up front.

Asking for a down payment would be far more palatable if it applied to everyone. It’s no different than a contractor asking for money up front for a pricey remodeling job. Pay some now, pay the rest when the job’s done. But framing it as something required only of people who haven’t met their deductible implies they are deadbeats and is insulting. Further, waiting until a few days before surgery to extort money is infuriating. It should all be explained up front when scheduling the surgery.

The logical solution is universal coverage, but Congress lacks the political will and there are too many people making waaaaay too much money off the current system.

Hang on, because it’s only going to get worse.

 

Stop Whining

I came across the plaintive tale of a young OB/GYN physician, Dr. W, who decided to bail out of practice after less than a decade. She gave several reasons: falling asleep while driving home and wrecking her car; missing out on birthdays and weddings; sticking herself with a needle while drawing blood from the umbilical cord of an HIV positive patient and felling like crap while taking prophylactic antiretroviral drugs. Worst of all, she discovered health care wasn’t what she thought it was when she started residency, and that physicians are “only pawn in game of life,” albeit very well-paid pawns.

I can hear the ghosts of the old timers saying, “See, we told you women had no place in medicine!” I can also hear the voices of the women with whom I went through medical school four decades ago yelling, “Shut the fuck up! Do you have any idea what we had to endure so that no one now thinks twice about women in health care?”

Being a physician isn’t a nine to five job unless you’re a dermatologist. Obstetrics is a grueling, physically demanding profession and four years of residency should have made that intuitively obvious. Babies arrive at all hours. So do emergencies like ectopic pregnancies and twisted ovaries. Someone has to take care of those patients and sometimes we must go above and beyond the call of duty in the name of patient care.  Good labor nurses frequently stay past the end of their shifts to follow through on pending deliveries.

My first post-residency job was in rural Michigan with a former fellow resident. We did every other night call which turned into solo call when one of us took vacation. Two years later I joined three ob/gyns at a staff-model HMO, doing call every fourth night and every fourth weekend. I did 250 deliveries a year, four years in a row. Sometimes it was so exhausting – I didn’t know my own name after doing thirteen deliveries one weekend – but it was nowhere near as bad as residency.

Those of us who’ve been in this biz for a while aren’t oblivious to the dangers of sleep deprivation. The Institutes of Medicine, the Joint Commission, and even The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) recognize the problem. But you made one choice when you entered residency and another choice when you started practice. There’s a middle ground between working yourself into an early grave and quitting altogether. You just have to find it.

I’m a hospitalist in a town with about forty OB/GYN physicians, mostly women, in groups of six to ten. Most of them are mothers; one of them has six kids! They take call a few times a month. Yeah, sometimes staying up all night gets old, but they are making far more money than I could ever fathom and it’s hard to walk away from those golden handcuffs. Working part-time is one possibility but you can’t expect a full-time salary.

Dr. W. said, “no one wants to hear a doctor complaining about their job.” No shit, Sherlock. What makes you think physicians are the only people who work odd hours, miss out on family events and suffer from sleep deprivation? Municipal workers where I live (the Midwest) stay out all night plowing and salting snow-covered roads in the winter. Many sales reps spend a lot of time driving or flying to clients and living out of suitcases. Store managers are the first to get called in if there’s trouble – a fire, a water main break, a burglary – and they fill in on the floor when someone doesn’t show up for work. My brother-in-law calls his Asian-Pacific vendors in the dead of night because that is when they are doing business. Many of those people make a lot less money than you, but it’s part of the job and they don’t whine about it.

I had joint custody of three kids and worked full time. I picked them up from daycare and/or school, cooked dinner, bathed them and read them stories before tucking them in. I made them breakfast the next morning before getting them dressed and dropping them off. I did laundry, housekeeping and grocery shopping with no help. I missed some things, but my life was far easier than someone on active duty spending fifteen months in a war zone, just hoping to come home alive.

(c) Can Stock Photo / zabelin

I’ve never worried about acquiring HIV from a needlestick because the chances are about 3 in 1000. I don’t double-glove when I do surgery because I can stick a needle through two pairs of gloves just as easily as one. I worried more about acquiring influenza from women who came to my OB Emergency Department hawking up hairballs this past flu season.

Health care started changing in the 1970s, not the mid-aughts of the 21st century. I came of age between the Great White Fathers who could do no wrong (and who had easy access to amphetamines, so they could function like superhuman gods), and the employed physicians of today who ceded autonomy for financial security and lost both. Administrators, insurance companies and the government started telling us what to do in the mid-1980s when the money got tight. Capitation, diagnosis-related groups (DRGs), relative value units (RVUs), and the overly complicated ICD-9 coding system (now the hilariously overly complicated ICD-10 system) made unending paperwork an integral part of practice. Medical coding and billing is a multibillion-dollar industry.

I left the rat race over twenty years ago, largely because I got tired of the people who signed my paycheck lying to me. I became a locum tenens physician and traveled around the country. I made a quarter of what I could have made in private practice, but I could just do my job, get paid and go home. No meetings. No hospital politics. No turf wars. If the situation became untenable, I could give thirty days’ notice and walk, something I did only twice. And, I didn’t have to pay a $150,000 tail for liability insurance.

What troubles me now is seeing a generation of physicians for whom practice appears to be just a job to endure until they make enough money to retire. I can honestly say that for me medicine was a calling (I was thirteen when I decided to go to medical school). Now I’m just praying for a quick and painless death in lieu of spending my golden years beholden to some baby doctor who doesn’t listen, can’t think and is just going through the motions.

Crying Girl: (c) Can Stock Photo / jirousova

Life in Customer Service Hell

Well, that was forty-five minutes of my life wasted.

I was online signing up for a retirement plan with a financial behemoth which shall remained unnamed. They have $219 billion in assets but the right and left hands don’t communicate and they apparently don’t have enough money to adequately staff their customer service department.

My first problem – (actually, it was Peg’s problem because her recent “retirement” allows her more time to do these things and I don’t have the patience for this shit) – was trying to set up the account. The brochure said I needed my Social Security number, date of birth and my temporary PIN: my height, weight and shoe size (not really). After several failed attempts, Peg called customer service…several times. The average wait was 20 minutes and when she’d run out of patience she’d hang up and try later. When she finally connected, the rep said, “Oh, yeah, that was the old way. We don’t do that anymore. We send you a PIN in the mail.”

“We haven’t received a PIN yet.”

“We send it within 30 days of enrollment.”

“It’s been almost 30 days.”

“Well, you have to wait 30 days and then, if you haven’t received it, please call us back.  Is there anything else we can help you with today?”

How about just giving me the damn PIN?

Two weeks later … three weeks later … no PIN.

So she called again, this time while I was home.

“We need your husband’s Social Security number, confirmation of his address and his date of birth.”

She gave him the information but the rep said, “No, he needs to tell us.”

“Honey, get on the phone so you can give this idiot the same information I just gave him.”

I did but wondered how he knew I was really me and not some random guy pulled off the street, or Peg just using a deep voice.

“I’ll get back to you in a day.”  Yeah, right. Another week wasted and still no PIN.

Then a different customer service rep called when I was busy and left a voice mail message. I called back. The phone didn’t ring; it just went to some cheesy, overly cheery music and the usual robot instructions.

“To continue in English, press 1.”

Done. I don’t have time to go through your menu.

“Please enter your nine-digit Social Security number.”

OK.

“Please enter your PIN.”

I don’t have a PIN, you idiots! That’s why I’m calling.

I hung up and called back.

“If you’d listened to the rest of the menu in the first place, you wouldn’t be stuck in this queue again, now would you? So, to continue in English, press 1. Para continuar en español, presione el número dos.  To speak to a real person, press 0 and cross your fingers.”

I did and the music changed to a two-chord electric guitar riff endlessly repeating.

“All of our agents are serving other customers. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order it was received.”

I put the call on speakerphone and waited… and waited…and waited. For the next forty-five soul-sucking minutes the queue cycled through these messages, slightly edited for accuracy.

“All of our agents are serving other customers. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order it was received.”

Music.

“Did you know you could access your account balance and make transactions on our website? Go to www.goodluckwiththatshit.com for more information – like it will do you any good. In the meantime, listen to this irritating two-chord riff played in an endless loop until your ears bleed.”

Music

“All of our agents are serving other customers. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order it was received. You can continue to wait or press 1 to be transferred to voicemail where you can leave a message that will go into an infinite void never to be answered. We’ll laugh our asses off because you’re so gullible.”

Music. Please, dear God, make it stop!

“All our agents are serving other customers. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered if we feel like it, which we don’t. We don’t have enough staff. John is boning Marsha in the broom closet and the rest of the staff is playing Solitaire.”

Music. I’m going to scream if I have to keep listening to this!

“All of our agents are “servicing” other customers – you get my drift – and you’re still on the line? Are you stupid or just desperate?”

Music. My ears are now bleeding.

When I finally got to talk to a real person she said, “Oh, your temporary PIN is blah blah blah.” Three quarters of an hour for a 15-second conversation.

Three days later I got a letter from them with a “new” temporary PIN: the original “temporary PIN” provided in the initial instructions.

I’m glad we cleared that up.

My Life as a “So-Called” Writer

I’m a writer. At least that’s what it says on the business cards I will get some day. Locum Tenens Physician. Writer. Curmudgeon.

I am a decent writer. I can put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and create cogent sentences and paragraphs. I’ve been writing since grade school; I’d won three essay contests by fifth grade. I can craft a well-reasoned argument. Sometimes I write a tale or two for my friends to read.

Am I a successful writer? That depends on one’s definition or criteria for success. I’ve a long history of writing letters to the editors of various newspapers, magazines and industry throwaways. I had an article, “Paving the Road to Hell,” published in a semi-prestigious journal for physicians who want to be administrators and get away from the daily grind. I would have had another piece published in that journal, but it called into question the very reason for the organization’s existence. They fired the editor after she’d accepted it and that was that!

I have a small following on a blog I’ve been writing for about 4 years. I started out writing political diatribes—which energize me—but my fan base wanted more introspective reflections of my past or heart-warming (and sometimes gut-wrenching) stories from my career. That’s where I’ve stayed. (I use Facebook for a political outlet but it’s not good for my blood pressure.)

Am I a commercially successful writer? Well, if I was going to make a living by writing, like my friend Wendy, I’d starve. The average writer makes enough to pay the bills. Very few hit the big time. I wrote one piece on rural practice for a recruiting magazine – gratis. It was OK but it felt more like a class assignment than something from my soul.

I long ago gave up the idea of being on the New York Times Best Seller list. I shot my wad getting through medical school and practice and I don’t have the stamina or creativity to write a best-seller every year.

I don’t have a classic writer’s persona. I don’t get up at 4 am and write for several hours. I’m not the bearded “writer” in that irritating Volvo commercial with the Walt Whitman voice-over (who is even more pretentious in the long version):

“Afoot and light-hearted I take to the open road.
Healthy, free, the world before me.
The long brown path before me leading me wherever I choose.
Henceforth, I ask not good fortune, I myself am good fortune.
Henceforth, I whimper no more, postpone no more, need nothing.”
(“Song of the Open Road”, from Leaves of Grass, 1856)

I lack his rugged good looks and your average writer doesn’t make enough to drive a high-end car. I have an eleven-year-old Nissan Altima and my inspirational passage would be more like:

“Lead-footed and quarrelsome, I drag my sorry ass
Down another highway to another job
Shackled to the demands of the material world
Lead me not into temptation for I can find it myself
I ask just to stay alive long enough to retire
And tell the rest of the world to go fuck itself.”

I’ve no desire to be one of those desperate writers carrying around their Moleskine books, writing furtively while waiting at the doctor’s office or in a restaurant. I don’t want to fret about being rejected like one of the writers I knew from a local writing group.  You like it? OK. You don’t like it? OK too. I can’t please everyone.

I went to a writer’s workshop in October, 2016, hoping to get a sense that people outside of my circle would find my stuff interesting, intriguing and, most of all, worth publishing. Why? Because I’ve been reading writing magazines for several years trying to figure out what attracts publishers. I read some of their recommendations and thought, “This stuff is crap. What the hell did they see in this?”  Weeks after I couldn’t give you a summary of any of those books if my life depended on it.

So, I ask, “What do readers and publishers/editors want to read and am I writing that kind of stuff?”

I may never get a satisfactory answer as writing is highly subjective. I write best when I have something to say. I don’t write when there’s nothing about which to write, but that isn’t good if I want to create a “platform,” a term than makes me cringe. If I want mental exercise (read: procrastinate), I’ll play my Kindle game, play the piano, shuffle the pile of paper on my desk, or take my faithful furry companion for a walk. Maybe some idea will rear its ugly head, like this narrative or why is my desk never cleared.

My greatest struggle is just writing sometimes for no reason at all.

READING LIST
Memorable Memoirs
Mary Karr: The Liars’ Club, Cherry, and Lit. The Liars’ Club made my childhood seem positively idyllic. Despite a tumultuous life, Mary Karr is the Jesse Truesdell Peck Professor of Literature at Syracuse University.

Tom Robbins: Tibetan Peach Pie: A True Account of an Imaginative Life. A highly amusing and engaging memoir.

Tobias Wolff: This Boy’s Life. Wolff’s memoir of his adolescence with an abusive stepfather. A young Leonardo DiCaprio starred in the film version.

They write like gods!
Jim Harrison: Legends of the Fall. The first story in this trilogy, “Revenge,” is an exquisite story of love, betrayal and revenge. After reading it I was reminded of Tom Lehrer’s quip: “It’s people like this who make you realize how little you’ve accomplished.”

Hugh Howie: The Silo series (Wool, Shift, and Dust). A dystopian future in which humanity now lives in 100+ level underground silos but does not remember why. One woman is determined to find out.

Raymond Atkins: The Front Porch Prophet. A cast of quirky characters in small town Georgia augment the relationship between A. J. Longstreet and his childhood friend, Eugene Purdue, now dying of pancreatic cancer. One reviewer compared Atkins to Mark Twain.

Just damned good fun
Anything by Neil Gaiman: American Gods; Anansi Boys; Neverwhere; The Ocean at the End of the Lane: A Novel, Good Omens (with Terry Pratchett).

Anything by John Sandford

Books on Writing
Stephen King: On Writing

Tracy Kidder and Richard Todd: Good Prose: The Art of Nonfiction

Brenda Miller: Tell it Slant: Writing and Shaping Creative Nonfiction

William Zinsser: On Writing Well

William Zinsser: Writing About Your Life: A Journey into the Past

Adair Lara: Naked, Drunk and Writing: Shed Your Inhibitions and Craft a Compelling Memoir or Personal Essay